When All Seems Lost
How does one recover from profound loss? Overwhelming, irreversible loss. Sometimes no words can describe it. Yet, when one tries, we usually hear or describe such loss as suffocating, mind-numbing, aching sorrow deep within the heart.
How does one recover, rebuild and heal?
How does one go forward?
Some even ask, how do I go on living?
One little boy who witnessed what was left of his house after the fires in Los Angeles expressed so poignantly what many of us are thinking, “Everything is broken and has lost all its color.”
Has your heart been broken by profound and searing loss? Broken and grieving by the death of a loved one. No matter how young or old, the loss is permanent, final, painful.
Broken relationships through divorce, abandonment, a prodigal child. Disagreements between family or friends.
Financial loss, job loss, failed business. Property damage or total loss, which also means lost memories, heirlooms and keepsakes.
There are likely a dozen other losses you could personally name that have brought you to your knees in grief and sorrow. Loss is personal and how we sift through the ashes of our loss is also personal.
The five stages of grief that were popularized in 1969 by Elizabeth Kübler-Ross are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Walking through grief is a normal process, but to walk through it well we need God’s help and guidance. Through a Biblical lens we can look at these stages from His perspective.
Disbelief: Is this really happening right now? This can’t be true. This must be a dream…or rather a nightmare. In our shock, we refuse to accept the reality of the situation.
Momentary disbelief can be a gift. It is the mechanism God gives us to get our head and heart in sync before the full force of reality hits us. Though we may not believe what has happened, our belief in a compassionate, faithful and merciful Heavenly Father should not waver. David was very familiar with loss and cried out to God in anguish and sorrow numerous times in the Psalms.
Psalm 27:7-8
Hear, O Lord, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
You have said, “Seek my face.”
My heart says to you,
“Your face, Lord, do I seek.”
Psalm 34:17-18
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit.
Anger: When reality does set in, we often turn to anger. We are angry at the drunk driver or the thief. The doctor we think didn’t do enough. The spouse that gave up. We blame the weather, the government, pilot error, the neighbor, a friend, a family member, the church, and yes, even God. Especially God.
When the loss we are experiencing is out of our control, we sometimes want to blame someone or something, even in some cases, blaming ourselves. Anger has its place when dealing with injustice and malice toward God and others, and like David, we sometimes need to vent our frustration. But God warns us against anger that leads to bitterness or vengeance. Anger that makes us not see straight or causes us to harm others or ourselves is no longer justified or righteous, but just simply sin.
Ephesians 4:26-27, 31-32
Be angry and do not sin;
do not let the sun go down on your anger,
and give no opportunity to the devil…
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander
be put away from you, along with all malice.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another,
as God in Christ forgave you.
Psalm 86:15-16a
But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.
Turn to me and be gracious to me;
give your strength to your servant…
Questioning: The what-ifs and the whys. What if I hadn’t been late? What if she had gone to the doctor sooner? What if we had prepared better for the coming storm? Why God did you let this happen? Why now? Why are you punishing me? Why?
Do you believe God is sovereign? Do you believe God is just? Do you trust that His ways are not our ways, yet His ways are still perfect? This side of heaven we will never have all the answers. We can only trust in a faithful, compassionate Father who has our best interest at heart even when the unthinkable, unexplainable, unfathomable happens. The consequences of Adam and Eve’s sin touch each one of us at different points in our journey. We are not immune; we cannot escape it. But God does promise to give us the strength to endure and to heal. When trials and loss are beyond our control, they are not out of God’s sovereignty.
Psalm 77:7-14
“Will the Lord spurn forever,
and never again be favorable?
Has his steadfast love forever ceased?
Are his promises at an end for all time?
Has God forgotten to be gracious?
Has he in anger shut up his compassion?” Selah
Then I said, “I will appeal to this,
to the years of the right hand of the Most High.”
I will remember the deeds of the Lord;
yes, I will remember your wonders of old.
I will ponder all your work,
and meditate on your mighty deeds.
Your way, O God, is holy.
What god is great like our God?
You are the God who works wonders;
you have made known your might among the peoples.
Psalm 57:1-2
Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
Deep sorrow or overwhelming sadness: The walls are closing in, suffocating. When you do get out of bed you feel as if the ground is unstable, or that you are walking through a dark tunnel with a foggy future in the distance. You either cry all the time or lack any form of emotion. You become a work-a-holic so you don’t have to think about the loss, or you are paralyzed with no motivation because the loss is all you can think about. Some become obsessive or hypervigilant, while others throw caution to the wind. Sometimes grief and loss make us live in extremes of emotion and functionality to simply exist.
Some would call this stage depression, but for most, though our grief is unbearable and sorrow consuming, it isn’t permanent and there is hope. That is not to say the feelings of emptiness and hopelessness are not real…they are very real. Yet God does not leave us alone in our sorrow. He is present. He is our comfort. He has compassion for the brokenhearted.
God created us for companionship and community, not isolation and fear. Though the tendency may be to put up walls and shut others out, God wants us to lean into him and then allow those He has placed in our lives to give us comfort, strength, support and encouragement. If you have a community of believers, friends or family, trust them, seek their counsel. If not, find a community through your church, grief counseling or support groups, and accountability partner/s. God does not want us to be forever consumed by our grief, but desires for us to emerge from the fog and find a place of solace and healing.
Psalm 88:9
my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O Lord;
I spread out my hands to you.
Lamentations 3:19-24
Remember my affliction and my wanderings,
the wormwood and the gall!
My soul continually remembers it
and is bowed down within me.
But this I call to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.”
Psalm 28:1-2
To you, O Lord, I call;
my rock, be not deaf to me,
lest, if you be silent to me,
I become like those who go down to the pit.
Hear the voice of my pleas for mercy,
when I cry to you for help,
when I lift up my hands
toward your most holy sanctuary.
Psalm 18:6
In my distress I called upon the Lord;
to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice,
and my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 119:28
My soul melts away for sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word!
Acceptance and/or resolve: In our grief journey, there will come a time when we learn how to mingle the joy with the sorrow. As much as we wish we could have a do-over, or somehow regain what was lost, there comes a point in time where we must accept that what we once had is gone. We let go of the painful parts as best we can and hold on to the sweet memories, the pictures, the recorded voicemails, the souvenir or piece of artwork that takes us back to another time. Yet we mustn’t remain embedded in the past, but instead take deliberate, purposeful steps forward one hour, day, week at a time. It is appropriate and sometimes necessary to lament what was lost, but God wants us to rejoice in what remains. And how in the world do we do that?
Acceptance isn’t giving up, but rather a surrender of the anger, sadness, and doubt, and a willingness to trust God’s plan even as the wounds are healing. God can and will mend our brokenness if we let Him. At times we may behave like the child that can’t stop picking at the scabs on her knees. If she doesn’t let the wound heal properly, the scar will only get bigger or worse yet, get infected causing more pain and slowing the healing. Eventually the wound does heal, but depending on the depth of the hurt, the pain and the damage, scars will usually remain.
Having had numerous surgeries, I know a bit about scars, most of them unseen, covered by clothing or makeup, but they are there. For me, they are the reminders of some difficult, painful injury or condition that I was able to overcome. Or they mark a significant event…beautiful babies following C-sections. Our heart and our mind carry scars as well. And just like physical scars, some are innocuous, while others will always remain sensitive. Under certain conditions an old scar will trigger discomfort or pain that requires some TLC, maybe a salve or lotion or essential oil.
When we hear a certain song, approach a significant date, or recall a shared memory, and a scar resurfaces, how do we treat it? Here are a few antidotes to consider.
God’s Word - The salve of God’s promises is a good place to start. In my extensive study on joy, I compiled a long list of verses, including those for healing, comfort, peace, and hope. I keep them in notes on my phone, on note pads around the house, and in my journal. I refer to them whenever I need to be reminded of God’s goodness and steadfast love, or to share them when someone I know or meet needs encouragement and comfort.
Romans 15:4
For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction,
that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
Psalm 119:49-50
Remember your word to your servant,
in which you have made me hope.
This is my comfort in my affliction,
that your promise gives me life.
Proverbs 30:5
Every word of God proves true;
he is a shield to those who take refuge in him.
Prayer - Wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, when the pain resurfaces, pray. Whisper, shout, cry, whatever is necessary to tell your heavenly Father how you are feeling at that moment. Then do as David did, listen and worship, praising the Almighty, merciful, faithful, sovereign God of the universe. Pull aside a co-worker or friend to pray with you. Message a mentor, friend or prayer warrior and ask them to pray for you. You don’t have a prayer warrior? Find one. Someone who will intercede for you with compassion and rebuke you in love, all while keeping those prayers in complete confidence. Prayer is personal, but also, prayer in community is powerful.
Psalm 5:1-2
Give ear to my words, O Lord;
consider my groaning.
Give attention to the sound of my cry,
my King and my God,
for to you do I pray.
Psalm 69:13
But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
At an acceptable time, O God,
in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.
Romans 12:12
Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.
Psalm 4:1
Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have given me relief when I was in distress.
Be gracious to me and hear my prayer!
Philippians 4:6-7
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Connect - Even when you feel you have walked through all the stages, recovered and healed, it is important to stay connected with the ones who walked with you and connected to God by remaining grounded and rooted in His Word daily. Communicate what is on your heart, whether it is conversations with family or friends, keeping a journal, or periodic counseling sessions with a pastor or mentor. God created us for companionship and community, not for isolation.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.
For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls
and has not another to lift him up!
Proverbs 27:17
Iron sharpens iron,
and one man sharpens another.
Colossians 3:15-16
And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Stand in the Fortress - Sometimes in the midst of our loss we feel as though we are surrounded by a raging storm, soon to be dashed upon the rocks. Just as the sun begins to poke through the clouds, another storm rolls in, and we brace ourselves for another difficult ride. Yet God promises to be our fortress and our refuge whenever the storms appear, and He will bring us through. Not out of it, or around it, but through it, bringing us to a place of refuge, a safe harbor. The storm is still raging, but under God’s protection, we can survive. Sometimes we simply need to be still and stand within the fortress, allowing His presence to hold us, guide us, and bring us through. That fortress is built on the foundation of His Word, girded by the power of prayer, strengthened by a community of believers, family and friends.
Psalm 71:2-3
In your righteousness deliver me and rescue me;
incline your ear to me, and save me!
Be to me a rock of refuge,
to which I may continually come;
you have given the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
Psalm 91:1-2
He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 18:1-2
I love you, O Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer,
my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 59:16-17
But I will sing of your strength;
I will sing aloud of your steadfast love in the morning.
For you have been to me a fortress
and a refuge in the day of my distress.
O my Strength, I will sing praises to you,
for you, O God, are my fortress,
the God who shows me steadfast love.
Since the fall of Adam and Eve, loss has been a part of our world and will continue to be until Christ’s return. Because of the redemption of sin through the sacrifice of God’s Son, we have an eternal hope even when the world may be falling down around us. One day all be restored, but until then we must be about our Father’s business and testify to the world that although much has been lost, all is not lost because of the hope and joy we have in Christ.
For some, the grief journey will take them through every one of these stages. While others will only bounce around through them or land momentarily. Nevertheless, we all walk through grief in our own way, and every stage has its own pace. Whether you or someone you know has experienced deep loss, always know God desires for each of us to come to a place of hope and healing and joy mingled with the sorrow.
Psalm 30:10-12
Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me!
O Lord, be my helper!”
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
you have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness,
that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!
Acts 2:25-28 (Psalm 16:8-11)
I saw the LORD always before me; for he is at my right hand that I may not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad, and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also will dwell in hope.
For you will not abandon my soul to Hades, or let your holy one see corruption.
You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy.
Romans 15:13
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing,
so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
May you find comfort in God’s embrace, a peace that only He can provide, and may you experience His steadfast love and grace, and the fullness of His joy.
Psalm 3:3-4
But you, O Lord, are a shield about me,
my glory, and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the Lord,
and he answered me from his holy hill.